Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
