Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
