Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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