Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
