Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
