You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
