There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Will exercising make me less horny?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
