Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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