Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
