i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
