My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
