I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
