Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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