I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I believe in your delicious
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
