home. puking in laundry basket.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I wish there were birth control emojis
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
