Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
