oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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