We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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