This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
