I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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