just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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