You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I intend to get homeless drunk
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
