I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
