He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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