Girls should come with a carfax report
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
