well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
