WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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