Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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