Operation Purity has been aborted
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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