I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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