I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
