Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
