I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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