I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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