I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
