my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
