No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
