Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
