Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
