Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.