Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
