Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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