She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
How does one acquire holy water?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating