how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
