i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what day is it and did you see me today?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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