im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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