Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
