I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
