i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
