member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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