My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I love you. Go after that dick
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
