we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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