i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
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I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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