I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
