wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
