I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
