did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
