Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
