If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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