Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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