youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
