i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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