It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
