Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
