i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
