i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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