This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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